How to Become Independent- (Wings to Fly)

How to become independent is like needing Wings to Fly

 

There comes a time in every parent’s life when our children are ready to flee from the safety of the nest and strike out into the world on their own and learn how to become independent. I think we all hope that we'll be ready when they are, but I'm finding out that they got ready way before I did.
My oldest, an amazing young man, who even though he is 20 years old is still so wet under the wings, has decided that he is content to stay in small town America, working for his father doing construction work. I tried to no avail to urge him to go to school, get a degree in something, a "plan B" if you will, and after many other "situations" where Moms word was just overlooked and ignored, I have decided to just sit quietly back and let him find his own way as he learns how to become independent.

My baby girl, a young woman of 17 (going on 25 most days) thinks she has life all figured out most of the time and doesn't want to hear anything that she herself didn't say. Is that normal? I mean, these two innocent, well behaved kids of mine have just turned into Aliens! I look at them sometimes and don't know where they came from, or who they are! When did it all change? Did something happen in their brains while they were sleeping that just re-programmed them into smart mouth, know it alls? I promise you there was a time when it wasn't like this, I did not dream that!

I don't mind the desire for independence, I don't even mind that they don't like the music I listen to; there are just things I expect because I know that I didn't like my parents music either, and I sure didn't want to be around them all the time, but, no one ever told me or prepared me for the heartache that they can cause a mother. There are many men in the world that are doting fathers, loving attentive fathers, don't get me wrong; but a mother just seems so much more deeply entwined with her children emotionally...we build our lives around our husbands and our children, and although I always have had my children’s best interest in the forefront of my mind, since the divorce from their father 7 years ago, every conscious move I have made in my life since has been orchestrated with their needs and well being before mine. I haven't so much as planned a meal without asking them what they were hungry for first.

At this juncture, I hear from my son once a week or so, unless he needs something in between, and the reality is, that I do understand and accept that he is trying to grow into his own life, and he enjoys country living, as opposed to living in a small suburban area like I do, so being at his dad's 2 hours away makes more sense for him, but it doesn't make it easier for me, and it sure doesn't make the ache in my chest any less when I yearn for the days when he used to sit next to me snuggled up watching TV. I do however, still have one at home; kinda, so I have told myself that I still have at least a year with her before she is ready to spring out the door, only to reappear for visits and a home cooked meal now and then, but the mother in me is feeling all of that change too.

Her tolerance seems so much shorter, her indifference so much louder, and on some days it feels more like she is just biding her time until that infamous birthday when the world tells her that she is no longer a "child" but a full fledged, able to vote and make her own rules, adult. Our struggles seem to never end these days, she always has something to say to my requests for dishes or taking out garbage, or how about the eye rolling? Ugh! Does a kid do anything more annoying than that? I mean, really, nothing has ever made me want to reach out and touch someone more than having her roll her eyes at me when I am talking to her! (Insert a scream here-) Where did my little girl go, and who is this spawn of Satan that has replaced her?
A lady friend of mine with children older than mine said to me recently, “you know why they get like this and start driving us crazy at this age, don't you?" Almost pleading, I said, "No, but please please Pleeeeeease explain it to me!" She laughed, that laugh of a veteran who understands your battle scars and can sympathize with you, and said calmly, "Because this is God's way of getting a Mama ready to let go." Let that sink in for a moment, because I know I had to, and then it hit me like a truck, she is so right. I mean, if we get to the point where the smart mouths, and the never ending last words just finally wear on our last good nerve, we're almost thankful for the peace and quiet when they go, aren't we? Seriously!

My girl is making choices to keep her job up there where her father is, and has begun to talk about the impending "move out", although she is trying to do it discreetly so as not to cause her mother too much inner turbulence; what she doesn't realize is that her mother is already very aware of it. I feel unheard, and unappreciated lately, and sometimes the frustration of having to defend every single request I make, or to explain WHY a hundred times, gets the best of me and I think that I'll be so happy when she ......and then the ache in my chest stops me right there and I can't even bring myself to say the rest of the words. I thought I would be ready when they outgrew me, but what I am very clearly understanding is that I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for them to not need me so much; I haven't outgrown them, not even close, and thinking about them only being around for a visit here and there feels like someone has knocked the wind out of me, but ultimately I know that all I can do is love them as deeply and truly as I always have;

And give them wings to fly, with the hopes that they will never forget the way home.

07/25/10

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved.