For today’s woman, flirting also is the subject of much discussion, gossip, debate and deliberation. Just as often as it is the source of anticipation and excitement, flirting becomes the source for sex and marriage.
Though books have been written and talk shows thrived on the subject, there never seems to be enough information, verification and clarification as to what women, especially today’s modern woman, really want from their partners. What are their expectations? What turns a woman on and what turns them off?
Female counselors and authors of books on relationships confirm that women want and deserve to get attention from men. Flirting is healthy. And it promotes spontaneity between men and women. Women really do not want to be viewed as simple objects of male pleasure. They want to be flirted with. They want to be wined and dined and talked to by the men in their lives. They want their partners to understand that making love is as much a mental endeavor as it is a physical act, and that the surest way they need sexual pleasure and fulfillment is to seduce their minds rather than to concentrate solely on their bodies.
Following is feedback from relationship experts as to what women like and don’t like as in regards to being approached by men, what turns women on and what turns them off.
Seductions of the mind: Making love involves much, much more than technical skill. Memorable eroticism starts in the head long before it develops in the body. Many people emphasize that mental foreplay is crucial to sexual satisfaction for a woman. “The first thing that comes to mind concerning what turns woman on sexually is that it’s a head thing,” says the website creator and owner. Dating Sites are where people go to send flirty flirts to one another and let people know that they are interested. It’s quick and simple to use and perhaps that explains the website’s recent popularity on the internet. “There must be foreplay before there is body play and plenty of flirting. Sex starts with the mind, the mood. Women like being talked to. It’s like a seduction. In some healthy relationships foreplay begins for hours before anything else. Being able to be playful and laugh generates a warmness and closeness. Don’t expect to jump in the sack and start cuddling after arguing all day.”
Masters of the Flirt Flirt: Women like to be romance and courted. Women love a flirt. And they love to flirt as well. The man who does not realize this fact, the man who takes his partner for granted and hurries to the physical act of sex is a big turnoff. Many men don’t realize that their rush to physical satisfaction often is the reason that their mates have so many bad headaches. “Sex is only a part of being sexual,” says Mr. Love. “Sex actually begins with interaction between two people, the chemistry, the subtleties, communication, the way we look at each other, the way we flirt. That whole process leads up to a woman being satisfied with the act of sex. What turns a woman on is a man who takes time to stimulate her emotionally as well as sexually.” And that means candlelight dinners and walks through the park holding hands. It means an occasional flirt here and there. It means sending flowers for no other reason than to say “I Love You” or “I miss you.” It means being considerate, sensitive and attentive without prompting or coercion. It means spending special time with your partner away from the cell phone and instant text messaging, away from the kids, away from things that cause stress day to day.
Psychotherapist, Joan Berzoff, M.S.W., Ed.D, says she loves being seduced with music, and there is great sex to be experienced in a hot tub. “My friend and I would read our favorite love poems to each other in the hot tub.” She says. “It’s very sweet and flirtful.”
Assurances that she is desirable: Compliments, hugs, kisses and other acts of love and appreciation are big turn-ons for women. Every woman wants to be perceived as desirable by her partner. “She wants to feel that she is the only one that he thinks about and fantasizes about when he is feeling sexy,” says Mr. Love. “Women like men to take the time to flatter them, to compliment them, to show in direct and indirect ways, obvious and subtle ways, that she is desirable. “ An unexpected telephone call, whether she is at home or on the job, just to remind her of how much she is loved, is a prelude to a night of sexual pleasure.
A spiritual bond: From her personal and professional experiences, Berzoff says she has found that the best sex is with someone with whom you feel a spiritual and emotional bond. “When you put God first in your life, and you have that kind of understanding and dialogue with your partner, sex becomes more than just physical satisfaction, “ she says. “Your soul is stirred and satisfied. The intimate sex act is the closest you can be with another human being, other than the mother-child bond. If you bring to the intimate act a level of spirituality and vulnerability, you are able to share a part of yourself that you can’t share in any other way. A certain level of trust develops in a meaningful relationship.
A man comfortable with his own sexuality: Women today want a man who is comfortable with his own sexuality and, consequently, is comfortable with his woman’s sexuality. Keisa Malbrough, a prominent make-up artist, says this level of comfort is important for a couple to experience true intimacy, “Women want a man who is comfortable with his sexuality and her sexuality, who is willing to explore all of her and not just kiss and immediately go into intercourse,” says Malbrough, who is based in New Jersey.
She explains that women are turned on by men who understand the female anatomy, men who know or at least want to learn what really pleases them sexually and what does not. “Today’s woman wants a man to understand that the clitoris is important to a woman’s orgasm,” says Malbrough. “She wants him to know all about the G spot. Today’s woman wants a man who is comfortable with oral sex. Some men might want to just receive oral sex and not give. Today’s woman is not interested in that. I know women who have ended relationships over this point if it can’t be negotiated. Generations ago women might have gone on and given pleasure to the man. But today’s woman won’t do that. She wants a man who is comfortable with discussing sexual practices and who is not turned off or intimidated by such discussions, a man who is not just there to receive.”
Curiosity and a sense of adventure: When a man is comfortable with his own sexuality, he exhibits a curious nature and wants to explore new worlds with his mate. This turns women on. Women like men who are open and exploratory and spontaneous and curious, men who are not so set in their ways that they never want to try new positions or seek new experiences. Even worse is a man who looks askance at the woman who suggests new things. Sexual duds are not exciting.
Communication: Women love men who can communicate as well as demonstrate their feelings. Women want to know what men think, how they feel, what they need, not just through words but also through actions that inspire passion. Playful flirting keeps the romance alive. They want to hear how good they are making their man feel and exactly what he wants them to do. Sometimes it can be difficult to express one’s innermost feelings, especially when it comes to sex, but all couples should work to improve their communication skills. Sex therapists say that “talking dirty” can be a spontaneous turn on for both parties. It’s a way of flirting that sets the mood off just right.
A sense of humor: Numerous women mention humor when expressing what turns them on. A great sense of humor – but not silliness – is often what attracts a woman to a man in the first place. Women like a man who can be playful, who can tell jokes and enjoy a good laugh as well. Laughter breaks down inhibitions and brings lovers closer in spirit. “Quiet laughter sets the mood,” says Love. “A flirty laugh or smile is always good. Laughter tells her that you want to be with her, and that makes a woman feel pretty darn special.” A singer, actress and real estate agent in NYC agrees. “I love a man who keeps me laughing, in bed and otherwise,” she says. “Life is so serious most of the time. I need to laugh; I want to laugh. Playful sex is a must have.”
Curtflirt: Yes woman are turned on by all types of men with various personalities and pleasure. They are turned on by power, prestige, charm, and all sorts of other things. But everyone is turned on by flirting. That’s where it all begins. However, a man does not have to be famous or rich to exude the essence of power. A man who clearly has his life together and sets his goals and establishes priorities is a man who has power. A man who is assertive, aggressive and focused is a man with power. A man who clearly cares about his own appearance and is well-groomed exudes power. He is not shy and not afraid to do the most effective flirting with woman. Usually he is a flirt flirt.
Unfortunately, many women automatically assign sensuality to men who exude power, and that may not be the case. Powerful men can still be rude, crude and insensitive. Powerful men are accustomed to female attention and, consequently, may misuse their aura of power and mistreat woman. Everyone agrees that these things turn women off.
Poor personal hygiene: "A big turn off for me is lack of personal cleanliness and hygiene," says Debrah Scott. "If you aren't clean, we can't get started. The first place I look is at a person's hands. If his hands are clean, then we can go from there. If not, don't even try."
Julia Hare, Ph.D., a social psychologist who specializes in male-female relationships, agrees that poor hygiene is a major issue for women, and it extends beyond personal cleanliness. "Women also are turned off by a man whose house is filthy," says Dr. Hare. "They hate filthy bathrooms and filthy bedrooms. When they see dirt under a man's fingernails, it is a big turnoff."
“Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am” Man: A man who is not into the total lovemaking experience is a big turnoff. When a man seems to only focus on penetration and ejaculation, in having an orgasm and satisfying his own physical needs, it is quite obvious to the woman. When a man turns away or goes to sleep after sex or immediately gets involved in other activities, women feel forsaken. Women like to be cuddled and held and to continue to share emotionally with their lovers after the physical act is concluded.
A man who knows how to flirt effectively and not be too pushy with woman are the most effective romantically and woman always appreciate knowing that they are sexy. A woman does not want to be taken for granted. They want to feel confident about who they are and the man that they are with.
Taking sex for granted:
Women are not enamored by a man who assumes that because a woman goes out with him, or is married to him, or is already involved with him, that she is willing to have sex "with him automatically. "Sex as part of the exchange for her spending time with him is very much resented by women and is a real turnoff," says couples therapist Chapman. Today’s woman wants to feel that she has as much an option as to when she participates in sex as the man does. They don't want to re-enact the roles that their mothers and grand mothers might have played and be the object of his desire. "She has the same desires," says Chapman. "And she wants to be able to call the shots when she feels that sexual desire."
A parts man: Women are turned off by men who are turned on by their body parts rather than viewing them as whole individuals. There are men who boast that they are "breast men" or "leg men," and they assume they are paying a woman a compliment when they praise her individual assets. But such revelations often have the opposite effect. "A woman wants to feel that the man she is with wants to deal with her in whole rather than in parts," says Chapman. "She wants a man to deal with her mind, body, spirit and intellect. She does not want to feel that he is only after her due to her long hair or skin tone or great legs or due to the fact that she is busty. She resents that. She wants to be dealt with in whole."
A businesswoman in Memphis tells of how she was repulsed when the man whose marriage proposal she was considering told her he only liked women with large butts. He then tried to explain why he "couldn't deal with a ‘flat butt’ woman. "I was appalled," she says. "There were other reasons that led to my decision not to marry him, but that is the one negative that stands out in my mind the most."
A man who lets his body go to flab: While a man might not hesitate to express his displeasure when his woman gains weight and loses the hourglass figure that might have attracted him in the first place, often times, men don't take care of their own bodies. Flab is a turnoff for many women just as it is for some men. There are stories from women who started dating or married men who were trim and fit or at least a healthy size. However the men then proceeded to develop pot bellies or simply let their bodies go to flab after they became comfortable in the relationship or marriage. Some women don't mind such physical transformations, especially in men who are considerate and sensitive to their needs sexually. But many women are literally turned off by flab.
On the other hand, there are women who love men with great bodies. And then there are those who are turned on by just the sight of a man working out. "It is a turn on for me · see a guy working out and his body glistening with sweat," says psychotherapist Julia Boyd. "He can look like a noodle, but when the sweat starts popping out, wow; the sight of sweat on a man's body is erotic."
"I-don't-like-condoms" man: In this day of raging AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, the selfish, senseless man who refuses to wear a condom is a big tum off for women,” says Dr. Roberta Hare.
Regardless of how good-looking the man is, or how much money and power he possesses, no man is worth a woman risking her life. Dr. Hare says men often ask: "Why would you ask me to wear a condom? I’m not bisexual, I’m not gay, I don’t have an STD." However the fact is that AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases make no distinction between incomes and professions and genders. A man who is callous about his own well-being and that of the woman he is courting has likely been callous and careless in past sexual encounters, says Dr. Hare.
In 1994, HIV infection was the leading cause of death among people between the ages of 25 to 44. In this age group, HIV-related illnesses accounted for one out of every three deaths among men, and one out of every five deaths among women. Unprotected sex should not be tolerated or accepted.
"Condom etiquette is a plus," says Julia Boyd. "When a guy has the condoms, he is saying: “This is how I practice. This is what I think of you.” When a guy takes out the condom, it shows that he really respects me. It doesn't matter how close we are. I can't imagine having sex these days without a condom. Latex is sexy. Pleasure is about safety."
While every woman is unique in her sexual preferences, most are in agreement that sex is an important part of their lives. Women want the men they love to be considerate, gentle and sensitive to their needs. And one point should be abundantly clear to men: The biggest aphrodisiac is a wedding ring and an unwavering commitment. Diamond earrings and wedding bands turn women on. And that goes without saying. Still, woman love a flirty flirt. And that’s something that men and woman both like.
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